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Booking
a Burt
A long-term partner role has opened in the life of Mallory Burt. Full-time, permanent, sacramental. The candidate is six foot one, Catholic by her own decision since the age of fifteen, and legitimately funny — a word chosen deliberately, for reasons set out below. Applications are reviewed on a rolling basis.
- 73Inches, standing. Six foot one.
- 15The age she chose it. Catholic since.
- 0Years since, without someone sponsored in
You will not lose her in a crowd. This has never once been the problem.
Mallory Burt
Long-Term Partner Candidate · Girlfriend (Aspiring)
- Faith: Catholic since 15 — by choice
- Height: 6′1″ — yes, really
- Study: Hospitality · Kennesaw State
- Age: 19 · 24 October
- Eyes: a recurring topic
- Vehicle: Drives a truck named Beast
- Beverage: Matcha, never coffee
- Available immediately
- applications@burt.party
Objective
To build a loud house with a great many children in it, and to be asked — just once — something other than whether she plays basketball. Seeking a partner who shares the faith, laughs at the right parts without having them explained, and is entirely untroubled by being the shorter one in every photograph for the rest of his life. Willing to relocate. Unwilling to slouch.
Executive Summary
Funny, faithful, six-foot-one candidate studying hospitality at Kennesaw State, in the Honors College and the PEGS cohort. Only child of a Marine who served twenty-five years, which accounts for both the punctuality and the volume. A raging extrovert: she will have met everyone in the room before you have found the coats. Came into the Church at fifteen by her own decision and has sponsored somebody into it every year since — which is the shortest honest summary of her, if one is needed. Currently meeting or exceeding every stated life goal except the one this listing exists to fill.
Vertical Clearance (Schedule C · to scale)
The candidate is six foot one. It is the single most commented-upon fact about her, by a margin that is frankly insulting to her other qualities. It is presented here to scale so that it can be got out of the way early.
- Standing
- 6′1″ · 73 in · 185 cm.
- Reach
- Top shelf. Every top shelf.
- In heels
- Taller. Wears them anyway.
- Basketball
- No. Next question.
- Slouching
- Declined, permanently, around age fifteen.
- Photographs
- Back row. Always the back row.
- Doorways
- Clears them. Ducks anyway, out of habit.
She would like it noted that she has heard the tall joke you are presently constructing — in its original form and in every regional variant — and that she will laugh at it anyway, because she is polite, and because she has better material of her own. She would also like it noted, before you get there, that her confirmation saint is Thérèse of Lisieux, patroness of the Little Way. She is aware. She got there first.
The Rider (attached to and forming part of the engagement)
- The bitThe candidate is funny. Not "good sense of humor" funny — the kind who gets there before you do and improves it on the way.
- TimingShe will wait. She has waited out entire rooms and been vindicated. She will out-wait you, and she will be right to.
- The roomWorks clean at Mass and considerably less clean at the diner afterward, and reads the difference correctly every single time.
- HecklersHandled. Kindly, and once.
- Own materialWill laugh at her own jokes, occasionally before finishing them. This is non-negotiable and is, frankly, most of the appeal.
- Riders on the riderAny partner is expected to serve as a competent straight man. Training is available. Enthusiasm is required.
Note on Usage (one word, entered into the record)
le·git·i·mate·ly /ləˈdʒɪtəmətli/ adverb
- Genuinely; in accordance with what is lawful, correct, or reasonable.
- (Burt, M.) Used for emphasis roughly every fourth sentence, in place of actually, really, honestly, genuinely, truly, and — on at least one recorded occasion — legitimately.
Attempts to count the occurrences have been abandoned twice. The word is not a verbal tic and should not be treated as one; it is load-bearing. Remove it and the sentence comes down. Any partner should expect to adopt it within four months, involuntarily, and to be the last to notice.
Core Competencies
Additional skills: singing, properly and in parts; the trumpet; writing an essay well and on time; changing a lightbulb without a chair; spotting the one person at a party who doesn't know anybody and fixing it; remembering in August what you said you wanted and producing it in December; and holding a straight face for exactly as long as it takes.
Professional Experience (entry-level applicant)
Full disclosure up top: the candidate has no prior experience in this particular role. She has a great deal of experience in everything that turns out to matter for it.
Hospitality Major · Kennesaw State University · Honors College, PEGS cohort
Enrolled · Present- Studying, formally and on purpose, the thing she was already doing to everyone she met.
- Writes a genuinely good essay, on deadline, without visible distress. This is rarer than the transcript makes it look.
- Shows up, does the work, and makes the 8 a.m. section survivable for everyone in it.
Convert, Then Sponsor · Received into the Church at Fifteen
Age 15 – Ongoing- Came into the Church at fifteen. Her own decision, made at an age when most decisions get made for you.
- Has stood as sponsor for someone entering the Church every single year since her own confirmation. Every year. No gaps.
- Which means the shortest honest summary of her faith is not that she has it. It is that she keeps handing it to people.
- Sunday Mass is a fixed point; the rest of the weekend arranges itself around it.
Tallest Person in the Room · Involuntary, Unpaid, Ongoing
Since roughly Age 14- Five years of being visible from anywhere in a building. No hiding, no off days.
- Fielded an estimated several hundred basketball inquiries from complete strangers. Answered every one kindly.
- Retrieves things from high shelves for people who did not ask her to. This is, in practice, the entire job.
Comic · Unbooked, Unpaid, Undeterred
Ongoing- Working the room since well before there was a room.
- Never punches down. Punches up — mostly at herself — and lands it.
- Has made a priest laugh. On purpose. During a conversation he was trying to keep serious.
Education & Certifications
- Enrolled: Kennesaw State University — hospitality, Honors College, PEGS cohort.
- Received: Into the Church at fifteen, and confirmed the same year. She picked the date, the parish, and the saint.
- Confirmation saint: Thérèse of Lisieux — the Little Flower, patroness of the Little Way. Chosen by a person who is six foot one. She is aware of this, and she will get to it before you do.
- Formerly: trumpet, flag football, theatre and cheerleading — concurrently, inside the same four years of high school.
- Certified: Can change a lightbulb without a chair, and has been doing it for other people since high school.
- Not certified: Cannot be talked into slouching. This has been attempted by relatives, photographers, and at least one dance instructor. All unsuccessful.
Candidate Requirements (what we're looking for in you)
Required
- Shares the Catholic faith (this one's genuine, not a bit)
- Wants a large family, and means it
- Laughs at the right parts without needing them explained
- Genuinely fine being the shorter one in every photograph
- Kind when nobody is keeping score
Preferred
- Open to homeschooling, or willing to be talked round
- Has a joke of his own and will risk it out loud
- Can play the straight man without grumbling about it
- Drives something with honest legroom — Beast is spoken for
Dealbreakers
- Opens with "wow, you're tall"
- Asks about basketball, unironically, in this the year of our Lord
- Thinks being funny is what a woman does instead of being taken seriously
- Needs an energy drink to get through a Tuesday
- Rude to people who can't do anything for him
Compensation & Benefits
This role offers a competitive total rewards package, vested immediately:
Vertical Reach
Top shelves, high windows, and the box on top of the fridge. Cleared on request, and frequently without one.
In-House Comedy
A full set, daily, at no charge. The material is original, the timing is real, and she will not workshop it on you first.
Spiritual Benefits
A standing invitation to Sunday Mass. She has walked several people all the way to the font; she can certainly walk you to a pew.
Gift Wrapping
Every present you give for the rest of your life will look like it came from a shop. Not an exaggeration, and not a small thing. (For the record: silver, not gold.)
Seasonal Decoration
The house will be decorated. For everything. Beginning earlier than you presently consider reasonable, and you will come around.
Beverage Service
Matcha and tea, made properly. Coffee is not stocked and will not be. Energy drinks are, separately, a dealbreaker.
Attachments (submitted unprompted)
The candidate has enclosed photographs. Nobody requested photographs. They are offered in support of the claims made above, and at least two of them are doing a bit.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is this a joke?
Yes. Also no. It's a joke that would be extremely pleased to be taken seriously by the right person.
How tall is she, exactly?
Six foot one. Seventy-three inches. One hundred eighty-five centimetres. She has the conversion memorised in three systems because she has had this exact conversation several thousand times, and she will have it with you too, patiently, as though it were the first.
Does she play basketball?
No. She has never played basketball. She would like it entered into the record that she was asked this twice on the way to having this website made.
She's a convert?
She came into the Church at fifteen — her own decision, at an age when most decisions are still being made for you — and she has sponsored somebody into it every year since. That is every year she has been Catholic. She does not bring this up. Her friends do, constantly, on her behalf.
What is "legitimately"?
Her word. Please see the Note on Usage above, which is not a bit and which understates the frequency. You will start saying it too. Everyone does. You will be the last to notice.
Is she actually funny, or "funny for a friend"?
Actually funny. The distinction matters to her and it ought to matter to you. She writes it, she times it, and she does not require the room to be warmed up first.
Will her family like me?
There are three of them and they operate as a unit. Her father did twenty-five years in the Marine Corps, so expect a firm handshake and two or three direct questions. Answer them directly. That is the entire test.
Why is this website green?
Her favourite colour. This was discovered after the palette was chosen, which she will tell you is legitimately a sign, and which nobody has been able to argue her out of.
Who made this website?
A friend. Mallory found out about it the same way you did, and had four better titles for it inside a minute. One of them is genuinely better than this one and it is not being used, on principle.
What if I'm not looking for anything serious?
Respect, and no hard feelings. Different role, different listing. Best of luck out there.
References
Available upon request, and unusually well-supplied: an only child collects people instead of siblings. Expect her mother (proud), her father (twenty-five years a Marine, and brief), several people she personally walked into the Church, and a queue of friends who will open with “oh, the tall one?” and then correct themselves immediately and tell you she is the most loyal person they know. That word comes up more than the height does, which is saying something.
Ready to apply?
Submit Your Application
No cover letter required. Say hello, tell her one true thing about yourself, and lead with something other than her height. She will notice, and she will appreciate it more than you know. Bring tea.
Applications reviewed personally. No bots, no recruiters, no "hey :)" and nothing else.